Crippled, torn and ripped

coldspiral13 @ 2005-01-26T19:28:00

2005-01-27T03:31:28Z

Wow. It's been a hella long time since I've updated in this thing...hell, its been a long time since I updated pretty much anything online in a while. Christmas was fun...definitely, but it's been awhile since then and I can't remember any details. Winter break was also fun, but again, I can't remember any details. I started driving school last weekend and I'll be done on Sunday. I'm into a lot of new bands now..I'm starting to branch out. As Hope Dies, Dead to Fall, Unearth, Cataract, and so on and so forth.

The rest of my life is pretty monotone and boring. I had a good time on Friday at the movies (with Petrina and Jesse), and a good time on Saturday with my Dad, but again I have that feeling in my life is missing. And it is, but at least this time I know what it is. I'm missing that special someone (no, not anyone in particular, just the title). It's something that I really want (need?). But..I'm just at a loss of words. No girl is that appealing to me right now.

Partly because of the same thing that has to decide it every time. Drugs. Weed, ciggarettes, whatever, I just don't like it. It seems like every girl I know does that shit and it really irritates me. It also bothers me because it seems like every new girl I meet does it also, so it's like I'm stuck, y'know? Wtf, man.

My bros don't smoke though. My real good bro's. Mario, Jesse, AJ, Ricky, Jeff, Eddie, and so on and so forth. So I know it's not just me that doesn't smoke. Maybe it's just all the chicks that go to El Camino. Since Petrina left, it got me thinking about how bad El Camino is...and when I think about it, it is bad. Now I don't mean academicall or anything, the teachers are ok, the campus is alright, but the kids that go there (in general, not my friends I'm talking about here) are just drugged-up douchebags.

I haven't written much in the past two months. Just two poems. If anyone wants to read them, just ask me. I'd appreciate it.

I do feel more healthy though. That's good.
If anybody ever wants to talk: coldspiral13.
Bye

coldspiral13 @ 2004-12-04T22:48:00

2004-12-05T07:43:28Z

Today we couldn't film because Dustin didn't show up. I guess we can do it another day. I finally finished the damn report thats been bothering me all damn week, though. I don't know what to put in here anymore, I'm probably not going to update that much anymore. I mean, right now, life is staying the same. Monotonous and simple....sort of boring. But I mean that all changes with my mood...sometimes I see that as good. Not too much drama, I suppose you could say. I just can't help but feel that something in my life..just isn't RIGHT. I feel like something is sorta missing.

I have an analogy for one of my friends:"Don't go expect to find an orange when you are bobbing for apples."

Oh yeah, and I got a dog.


music is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

I don't have one for you this time, sorry

2004-11-23T05:15:02Z

Alright..first off...Marilyn Manson Concert on December 20th at the Wiltern-$42.50. I'm most likely going to that.
I don't think I want to talk about sad stuff in my live journal anymore. But I'm probably just saying that cuz' im not really sad right now. I get a dog like...soon. The chick we are getting it from lost her cellphone and yeah so the whole process got delayed.

I finally get to see my Dad next Saturday.....I've only met the guy once in my entire life. I'm sort of nervous, but excited. If anyone wants anymore details on that situation, you can go ahead and ask me.

So yeah today afterschool I broke the lawnmower I was supposed to be working with...yeah...with my big bulging muscles I dislodged the cord you pull on. Nah, I'm just playing, it came loose from old age. Thank goodness....and I have to work all day Friday...greattttt. Well most of the day. Probably not too late. I want to go to the movies or something with someone....(there are a few people in particular) but I'll go with just about anyone, I just want to go out and have a fun time.

Crowded..in this sea of you and me
Drowned out of the equation
Eroded, tangled in the webs you made
Wrapped up in a lie
I'm gone, wrong, lost in a maze of fake dreams
I thought I was right but I thought wrong
And I'm left banished and thrown away

Leave my mind shattered like a broken glass
Let me pick up the pieces and repair what I can
Let the feeling surge and pierce your brain
Like a bullet striking your already wounded heart
Bruised and bloody, impaled with an arrow
Cupid's strike has been lain upon you

Your mind is crippled like the leaves of a rose
And your thorns make me bleed within a grasp
Let me free from your intoxication
I'm drunk with the promise that it wasn't true

___________________Break_________________________

[[I'm not listening anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
Are you there? I didn't notice.
I thought you had left by now.
Do me a favor and leave.]]

___________________End Break______________________

When the pretty dove falls from the sky
All the pretty girls cry

Why? WHY? I don't get it!

2004-11-21T07:24:36Z

FUCK. I'm tired of this god damn shit. I feel left out and I don't want to be...but if I go along with everyone else I will be losing my morals, and what's the point of changing yourself if you just want to fit in. It's bad if I know my friend is smoking, but then when they all start changing and begin smoking, its even worse. You feel like the world is caving in around you...I mean what's the point of standing up for what I believe in? No one is listening anyways...
Are they? Because it doesn't feel like it. I just want to have a fucking re-roll in the dice of life, you know? I got fucked over in a shithole in a way, because I can't even be my fucking self most of the time just because all my friends want to one thing or another...so you have to tag along and to what they do..or else you'll be a loner. I don't want to be alone, I want my friends...
but I just feel excluded, and lost (again, this thing called life is a damn maze). Ya know, some say "What's the big deal?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER TO YOU?! Just fucking respect it....god damnit...I'm tired of this shit. Whatever. Most of you can expect a cold shoulder on monday. Im out.

coldspiral13 @ 2004-11-16T13:56:00

2004-11-16T22:02:35Z

It's been awhile since I updated..I guess
Well..I've just been chillin'!

Not much going on right now...currently working in my complex with knick-knack jobs n' stuff...
gave my application to Del Taco haha

So yeah, like really, I don't know what to talk about. Not much going on like I said..just normal life. I guess.
*yawn* I stayed home from school today. Didn't feel like going.
I guess thats it. I'm doin a lot of guessing, too.

Aerials...in the sky...

2004-11-08T06:08:08Z

Hey sometimes don't you just want to feel like you are falling and falling forever?
Just freefalling....down into a world that doesn't exist...never landing, just falling for eternity?
And then you realize that...you may never reach the bottom, and then, your whole body jumps and lands...and you realize it was all a dream.
That's why it's a dream....because dreams don't come true.

But have you ever had a nightmare? I'm sure you have. Have you ever looked at the face of the person who sends you to your death?
Look more closely next time...it's probably yourself. For me..it is every single time.

Seriously....I don't know what the FUCK is going on anymore...I'm lost as fuck.
I'm all turned around and twisted and shit...I don't know what I want at all...I guess I'm at that point in my life where I just can't decide what I want at all. I don't know what I want as far as a relationship, if I even want a relationship, what I want to be, where I want to go...

But the worst part about it is that I feel like I've been here before. Been at this stopping point, this point of confusion. Maybe I just need to break the boundaries of indecision and just make more haste choices..but then what happens if I make the wrong one?

Maybe I just think too much. But then I get to thinking, why aren't I thinking about what I'm doing? When I think, I do stupid things, and feel bad. When I don't think, I still do stupid shit, and I don't feel a thing.

Help?

coldspiral13 @ 2004-11-04T20:55:00

2004-11-05T05:07:34Z

Ummmmm...yeah.

This week went by really fast. So uh..going to movies tomorrow maybe? I don't know? I'm sort of confused..not much details.

Changed the color in my lj. Like it?
I also took out my buddyprofile out of my profile on aim..due to a few recent events...I decided that no one is going to read what I put in there anyways..

Saturday-Maybe movies again? I don't know..lol

Sunday-Nothing so far

Monday=school again. noo!!!!

So in other news...the elections. Now I have heard that many people are sad...mad...irritated, angry even at the results. Well...I feel that politically speaking....right now...our views have no perspective whatsoever. I figured this out the other day...when I was arguing with my friend about it. As some of you know...I am a Republican. And as most of you know, of course, you are Democrats. If you want talk to me about politics, message me at aim at: Coldspiral13 . Yet the other day I figured there is no point in arguing with your best friends about anything as stupid as politics, especially at this age. Not like there is anything we can do at this age...we can't even vote for fucking sakes. I decided that furthermore, nevermore ( hey, the raven-edgar allan) I will talk about politics nor argue with it about my friends. It's just not worth it in the end. Fuck politics, fuck government. I hate anything that drives a stake between me and my friends...so fuck a lot of that stuff.

And also...recently...today actually. Some people were trying to peer pressure me into smoking. I would like to let you know that true friends do not try to convince others to do something that they strongly believe in, hence, smoking. I am strongly against it. Many of my friends respect that...but the others that don't...get it into your head-IM NOT GOING TO SMOKE. EVER. Not that I'm necessarily "ragging" on it....but respect me..don't offer that shit to me. Poison your minds if you want..but don't poison mine too. I respect that you do it, and I don't go around saying fuck smoking all the time, so don't go around saying smoke,smoke,smoke and shit like that.

Thank you for your cooperation.

31 (13)

2004-10-31T20:25:54Z

hey 31 backwards is 13, cool huh?

so on friday, hung out at brians, saw dawn of the dead, went to the mall with james, scooty, brian, luis
and then later we went to the movies to see saw, ended up seeing nothing and went to the halfpipe with jordan, lacey, justin( but he left at the movies ), scooty, brian, chris, mike, brianna, and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i think thats it? i dont know man, then we had like coffee and stuff but i didnt cuz i dont like coffee and ...yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

saturday we went to 6 flags, yay! jeff was going to come with holli, brian and I, but nooooOOOO, i dont know what happened with that. at 6 flags, we went on X (nope, it closed down :( ) and colussus(sp) backwards, anddddd log thing, and freefall and i guess a lot of other stuff i cant remember. we went on one of the mazes and holli got really scared (even though she'll deny it) haha she had to run from the creepy guy following us so she grabbed onto my arm really hard and thats the end of my story for now
-the end-
oh wait and yeah on sunday were gonna go to rocky and in the morning i took a shower at brians and the water pressure was so damn HIGH that it like,,,,, knocked out all of my damn hair...shitt and oh yeah jeffs here and brianna is coming sooon sooooo im out! byeee

nothing

2004-10-27T03:34:14Z

out goes one, in comes another

coldspiral13 @ 2004-10-23T18:15:00

2004-10-24T01:18:06Z

What the hell, is EVERYONE getting grounded? No more six flags, cuz Holli was grounded. No more movies, cuz Christina was grounded. I want to fucking party!!! Music, drinks, girls, and all that good stuff, but I guess not But cmon cant a guy have a break?

coldspiral13 @ 2004-10-21T17:44:00

2004-10-22T00:46:26Z

I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist
I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a shit

I'm not a slave. Are you?

Why are you running away?

2004-10-17T05:28:28Z

Where do I start?
Monday-Thursday: I've been sick, I got a haircut, and school. School, why oh why?

Friday was pretty cool, hung out with Brian, Brianna and Holli, pretty jazzy you might say

Saturday I went to Casi with James, ate pizza, drove around in a car without liscences. We're bad to the bone

Sunday...well hasn't happened yet :0 .

I don't know if this is the same thing that Brian is going through right now, I know his Dad is in the hospital and such.... but is it like an identity crisis? ( Brian-comment)
I feel a little lost..different, kind of confused about who I am. I don't get myself or my moods that I get into. I can be funny and laughing, having a good time....think about one thing or another, and I'll get mad, or sad, or whatever mood it is that comes to mind with what I'm thinking about. Yeah. I'm lost....100% .
You know that attitude you sometimes get in? Well, I don't necessarily know if it's a mood that YOU get into, but its where....you just think about everything, on a grand scale. What's the point of it all? I mean, I know that's a bad way to look at things... but what IS the point of it all?

Love? No, I threw that out the door awhile ago.

Success? I doubt it...the most successful are the worst people.

Justification? That would be if I felt I HAD to prove something to someone. I'm not here to prove anything to anyone, despite what anyone says.

Evolution? What can I do to help this already helpless species? What the fuck is the point???

Something I wrote , relating to the whole subject :

[[Hierarchy]]

There's enough questions to ask, to waste away this little time we have
There's enough shit to think about, to flush our little lives down a hole
There's enough of this and that to contain our horrible little expurgating kind for eternity
Enough of anything and everything to keep us all locked away with Pandora forever

(Chorus)--Complete the Flow, Complete the Circle
Complete the World, Complete the Bond
Complete the Boundary, Complete the Limit
Complete the end, Complete ME!--

Too much time on this wasted planet
It's been given away to whores and havoc
Yet there's not enough time on this thing called eternity
It's been sacrificied by the moronic mass of followers to a falsified finish to it all

Not enough time to figure out what you want to do
(What you need to do, what you were meant to do)
The hourglass stills sifts away the sand to give way to another way of life
(It sifts away your life, mine, and everyone else's)

(Chorus)

Blessed father, use your throne
Cast away the demons that bask within your own hierarchy
JUst a minute...I forgot
If you were here, you would of done something by now (Asshole)

So what are we waiting for, there's only one answer
the whole damn world will give way to doomsday
The earth crawls into the age of judgement
A judgement done by its own people, with the harshest of outcomes

(Chorus x2)

A present from the poison hearted

2004-10-09T07:38:32Z

Ah....I'm sick. Have been all week! It's getting worse, it sucks. Tuesday was boring, Wednesday was fun, Thursday was boring, Friday was fun. A cycle? Not likely...it looks like this whole weekend is going to be boring, I have nothing planned. NADA. I know I should keep optimistic...but....it really looks like I'm not gonna do anything!
Word to Brian and his Dad-Get well soon
Somebody, call me and let's do something ! Oh my..

Staring at Screen

2004-10-04T03:59:37Z

Whooooaaaaaa long weekend

Friday- Went to Aj's and had a good time

Saturday- We all had band practice and then Jeff, Brian and I went to Brian's house and we got wasted ahhhh but Brian puked everywhere hahahaha stuuuupidddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Sunday- Now that I think about it, that all happened on sunday, because it was like 4 am, but whatever. ate at dennys and i felt fine in the morning, did my homework, and im chilling at home yeahhhhhhhhh

Wednesday

2004-09-23T05:28:55Z

Heyyyyyyyy

Life is going along slow, but not necessarily bad. A few things are there that I am gunning for, and a few things make me feel better.
I'm not writing any more sad poems, songs or anything of the sort. Now its back to the stuff that got me into writing in the first place.
Take a look at my Buddyprofile- 4View My BuddyProfile

Somebody please comment on my livejournal, cuz if not, I'm just gonna forget the whole thing and stop posting haha, there's no point in doing this if I don't talk to anyone.

Rosh hashabalahboo

2004-09-16T05:58:55Z

Its some Jewish holiday tomorrow, so we get Thursday off. I've been doing okay in school, but my history teacher is just really, genuinely boring and excessive. I came up with a new beat today for the band. We have practice on saturday so we can try it out...it just sucks that I have to leave early to get some stuff done at home. So far, no plans for tomorrow...oh noooooooooooooooooooo

You are Adam West!

Which Family Guy Character Are You?

I'm Bart, who are you? by Lexi

Taking it slow...

2004-09-12T18:29:34Z

The first two days are over, and its felt like a week. I'm tired. Yesterday I learned part of Jeff's new song, and practice went well. I'm happy with where we are taking the band...

Overall, just in life, I'm really confused. But my friends say this always happens and it will get better, so I hope they're right...

Feeling a bit ancy...

Kind of bored with the endless prattle...

I want something other than every day life.

I think I just need another pick-me-up...or actually just a pick-me-up. Forget the another part.

The Dawn of a New Era

2004-09-08T02:51:14Z

It's time for school on thursday.
Are you ready folks?
I got my backpack ready, my patches on, I got my shoelaces tied, my hair all nice, but there's just one thing that I forgot to do!
It's caring.
I don't want to go, haha
I guess in ways, I'm looking forward to it, seeing my friends, having something to do. I just want to do have too much to do, I don't want to handle too much.

Alright everyone- Give it to me straight. How many of you are really looking forward to going to school?

Summer Dying Fast

2004-09-04T08:53:26Z

So as it turns out, Brian canceled out on me, Jeff and Luis at the last minute, which means no band practice for us. And I could sure use it at this point, we haven't hand practice in months...
I'm anxious to start playing with my new guitar, but I haven't really had the time lately, so maybe when school starts I can start playing it. I was out looking for a job again, but I had to decide in the end that I should wait until school starts to know just exactly how my schedule is going to be and what times I should work.

Me and my ex are acting much better around each other. People ask why I am being so nice to her with what she did to me, and I just don't know what to say. I don't know how to answer that question. I am a forgiving person, and I have a forgetful mind. Life is becoming much easier now. But again, with so many things in my life, I don't know where to go or what to do next. I have too many things to concentrate on, as all teenagers have so much on their mind to concentrate on. So much burden is put on the kids who are so lost and confused and cannot think, I wonder why the force all this on you so early. The Economy and Government have made it this way, so this is how it has to be. But I wish it could be easier. Getting a job, paying for a car, getting an apartment, staying in school, staying away from all the "bad stuff", still being nice and completely "there" in the head, its a lot to deal with. So if I ever act like an asshole over the school year, it's probably just because I have a lot on my mind and I am dealing with a lot, so just give me a bit.

In the mail, I got an offer to start at this school, The Regional Occupational Program Center, and I was really looking forward to it until I found that there was no spots for a creative writing class or anything along those lines, and that got me pretty bummed out. I was also thinking of getting a job or pursuing a career in studio work, remastering sound and music and stuff along those lines, but at this point, I just don't know what to do.

Writing is what I really want to do with my life, but I'm just not completely sure that's the right choice to go with, choices being so slim, and chances running low. There aren't many people looking for a writer, and it's a hard life, so maybe I should go with the Studio Technician, which sounds very interesting, but who knows, it might be really fun, and a good choice. I just always thought I would and should be a writer, but now I don't know. Any comments?

The Bad Part about Summer

2004-09-03T08:12:09Z

It's hot, hot, hot, and boring. Sometimes you just can't find anything to do, and you end up at home.

I'm going to miss hanging out with my friends with all the late nights,

I'm going to miss a certain someone (you know who you are),

I'm going to miss the freedom, and the fun.

I'm looking forward to something to do, but I know once school starts, I'm going to regret saying that.

I'll see you all there, enjoy the last couple of days now.

Take the quiz: "What that 70s show character are you?"

Eric
You are Eric . skinny , and smart mouthed , but funny

More of Summer

2004-09-02T03:30:05Z

I went to a pool party, and it was sweet
Water football is more difficult than you think
Water wrestling can lead to choking on water X.X

Long story short, I'm sore and sunburned now

Summer

2004-08-31T08:32:00Z

So far, summer has been a long, daunting experience. I was bored of it up until the point where I realized that it had to end, and school had to start. Now, I regret ever feeling that way. I'm rushin to have some fun before its over.